Christmas 2014

But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

Luke 2:19

Nestled cozily in front of the altar, staring with rapt attention at the priest, the children dressed in their beautiful dresses and dapper bow ties sweetly sang along with the choir.   Awestruck at the candles and glittering stars suspended from the church ceiling, there was no fidgeting or feigned indifference-Christmas Eve had arrived in their hearts.

At least that's how it seemed as we too loudly burst through the bright red door, late after a tear filled car ride, cold and wet still from days of rain.  I had stewed on the ride to church after yelling at the kids, bursting into tears and announcing to everyone in the car that NEXT YEAR I WAS GOING TO CHURCH ALONE SINCE IT WAS CLEARLY ONLY IMPORTANT TO ME.   Our youngest was not dressed in her holiday finest-that is still laying neglected across the railing-she was dressed in her older sisters two sizes too big black boots and a floor length Santa nightgown.   No suit and tie for our son-we had forced him out of his pajamas when  we left the house 30 minutes earlier.   Our oldest child was at home, being a heathen and wrapping presents.

An eternity later, we sat huddled miserably in the back of the unfamiliar church-no midnight mass for us this year!   Finding our place in the service, I flipped to the front to the readings we had missed.  "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart" jumped out from the page.  

When I had read the story of Mary being visited by Gabriel during an Advent class, some of children had wondered out loud if Mary was scared, maybe even terrified enough to say no to God.   Knowing what was coming next, the children knew about she would leave her family, travel far away and even have to journey at night just to have that baby in a barn.

Worrying comes easily to me.   Racing ahead to the worst case scenario is something I'm always trying hard not to do.    Self-righteous anger-I'll take that action, and rightfully so! 

Ultimatum-issued! 

Sometimes I'm aware though.  When I just stop and ponder the whys of everything.   The imperfect cookies, they crumble easily due to over-earnest mixing by my sweet little girl.    Gifts I wouldn't have chosen for myself given the options are often lovely.   That stack of dirty dishes and overflowing compost pile, it's there because we have so much good food available to us we can't even finish it all and leave some behind on the plates!  The dogs who follow me around all day-they sleep at our children's feet and forgive them for every slight and late breakfast.   The way my children roll their eyes behind my back (I can sense it!) is because they know at the end of the day they are loved and wondered over simply for existing at all. 

So tonight, among other things, I am grateful for wondering.  

Merry Christmas.